To Bleibt or Not to Bleibt? (Sorry, What Was the Question?)

Lots of people in town for Cat-Griz this weekend. We've seen more people that we haven't seen in years over the last couple of days. It has really got me thinking about a few things.

First, why do we keep up with some people and not with others? Granted, Facebook is a great way for me to be able to keep up with people who have moved away... but there are even people who live in my town that I used to be great friends with that I never see anymore. Proximity has changed (work, school, church), so for whatever reason, we're not naturally around each other anymore. So it just made me wonder why some people make the transition with us, and why others do not. I really am grateful to Facebook for keeping me in the "Input" loop, and to technology in general for helping me be up with people. I just miss the people themselves.

Second, why do some things never change? As someone who has changed a lot over the years, why are there things about me that change (big-time) and some things that just never change? It seems like, as I compare myself to the person I used to be when I worked at The Rock, or when I was in college, or when I was in high school... I am SO different. But there are things about me that you could recognize, no matter what part of my life you come from. But I don't get that. Some of those things that never change, I want to change. And some of the ways that I have changed, I wish I was the same. I guess, though... if wishes were horses...

Third, why do we make the choices we make? Why do we move (or not move)? Why do we take one job or head in one direction? Why do we make friends with one person and not another? Why do we choose one relationship and not another? We are SUCH complex beings... it's sort of a trip when I think about how these little choices we make (like, for instance, dropping a class...) can effect the rest of our lives in such profound ways. Having seen some people that I haven't seen in 10 years, it brings that into sharp relief. When I dropped one class and stopped being friends with that person, then this whole part of my life changed. Or when I didn't drop a class or kept being friends with another person, then a whole other part of my life changed. I didn't answer the phone. Or I did answer the phone. I had no idea what I was doing. Life changed. When I went online one day to find graduate programs in leadership, and found Bethel (and didn't know I was going to Seminary), then wow. Now my whole life is in a completely different place. It's just weird to think about these things.

I guess in the end, I always just want to know why. I'm like a petulant child that way. (That, by the way, is one of those traits in me that never changes...) I suppose it's because I know that I can't know... and when there's something I can't know, I want to know it more than the things I can. Curiosity? Or just being plain nosy? I don't know. But I want to know why. I don't think I want to go back and change things. Perhaps I am secretly unhappy, which I doubt. I love my life. I just look back at how my life used to be, and I miss certain things about it. Enough to go back? Probably not. But I guess I do always have the memories. I guess.

In line with having lots of old friends pop up, one of my very best friends has been here all weekend, and us getting the chance to do all these things we used to do... it has been fantastic. I definitely miss her. And I miss the life we used to have together. But we have both grown to places in our life that we really love, and we still have a very solid friendship. So I guess I can say that I am happy that things are as they are. Even if they are different than I expected, and even if I can't know why they are the way they are. The bottom line is that I am content. And if I had the chance to change, I wouldn't do it...

So I guess my answer is "To Bleibt"...

They Say Every One is Different...

So as many of you know, I have been writing a lot lately. This evening, a piece of software was recommended for my use (as a "novelist") that had a fascinating concept. Software for writing. Not to "teach" you to write, or even really to encourage you to write, but specifically software designed to help you structure your novel.

Ingenious?

I don't know yet. Like any creative person, I'm immediately skeptical of something that promises instant success in an artistic format. Of course, as the website for "Snowflake Pro" insists, writing a novel is hard work. Not only art, but work. Being in the midst of the process myself, I can say that they are absolutely right. So it seems logical to use a system to get work done. That, I would definitely believe...

And after demo-ing the product for a reduced cost, I am more impressed than I ever thought I would be. Kristy has been after me to do some character sketching to be certain that I am getting everything that I want the characters to be on the page. Turns out, that's one of the steps of the snowflake. So I'm sort of killing several birds with one stone. Each of these steps are things that I have been wanting to do with my novel, but have either not known how to do, or could not find a good resource for. And it's all included in the one package. All in all, it's a fairly simple program, but it doesn't seem designed for a simple outcome, which is really ingenious.

Ingenious.

Will I sell the book I'm working on? We have yet to know the answer to that question. So I can't really say "Snowflake Pro will get you published". But thanks to a few short hours with Snowflake Pro, I definitely feel like I have a leg up that I did not have before. It definitely has made the work of writing easier. So thanks to CHRW for the suggestion, and thanks to Snowflake Pro for the discounted product. I think it will be a long, fruitful relationship.

This Heap of Broken Images

So I'm watching the clouds move, sitting here in "Starbucks", trying to get over this chip off the old writer's block... and I wonder: why can I see the clouds move? If the world is turning, but I'm turning with it, why can I see the clouds move?

This leads to larger existential questions, like: Why am I here? What is the meaning of life? Why did I order this Carmel Brulee lattee anyway? What time is it?

Okay, so I'm a confessed rabbit-trailer... but seriously... don't you ever just wonder how a world this big is possible? And how a world this big got to be here? And how every single human being has a different experience of the same world...including every single human being ever born. YET somehow we all have the same experience. Or at least common experiences. And it truly amazes me how I have been given the choice even just to think these thoughts, or to leave them behind... not to mention the larger choices, like why in the world I got this Caramel Brulee latte in the first place. It boggles my mind sometime.

Like I said, I'm dealing with a little writer's block, and I'm not having a horribly productive day. But it's interesting to me how no matter what, my mind always asks relatively the same questions. Like how did I get here and what am I supposed to do, and how is it that I have the ability to make choices (even choices to ignore my instincts and my own thoughts). I guess that explains why we always end up talking about free will in Pub Church... because I just can't seem to understand it all.

And yet here I am, the strange combination of things that I am. A person who reads and writes romance novels, a pastor, a basketball fan (well, a general sports fan), a musician, a not-so-closeted semi-anti-religious type... how am I who I am?

It really just boggles my mind... I don't know how else to say it...

Awesomesauce and Other Fun Things to Say and Spell

Today is the deadline for the Golden Heart, and I am an officially registered participant, as well as a potential volunteer judge. I really appreciate the way that the RWA goes about handling this contest, and have been very impressed with everything I have seen from them so far.

The Golden Heart, a contest for unpublished manuscripts, is an annual contest, and has two parts. The preliminary judging is done by RWA general members (like me) who read the first 50 pages of an unpublished manuscript--along with a synopsis--and decide if it is worth reading or not. (By some mysterious as-yet-to-be divulged process that may, in fact, be so secret that I can't tell you abou it... I don't know yet.)

Then (and this is the really cool part) industry professionals read the manuscripts of the finalists. Not sure how many finalists there are, maybe 10. There are seven categories, and each category has a completely different number of entries. Some have as few as 30, while some have more than 120. But these general members decide (by consensus, or tally, I would imagine) who the finalists are, and then those finalists get to have their manuscripts personally read by agents and publishers. The agents and publishers pick a winner in each category (and a runner-up, as well, I believe), and the winner is crowned.

Sound infinitely cool? Awesomesauce. I thought so.

So this year, I have entered a 100,000 word manuscript. That's over 300 pages of writing! Wow. I won't tell you what category, and I won't tell you what it's about. But I did enter. And it has been a trip the whole way. As they say, writers write. And I now have a finished, relatively polished (four edits later, and possibly one more before final submission in ten days) manuscript. So begins my quest to become a published author.

After reaading the First Sale stories at the Dear Author blog today, I am convinced that this will be an uphill battle. One of these women had a house burn down and a parent die while she was slogging through three-then-four-then-five manuscripts that she (and/or her agent) couldn't sell. It was heartbreaking to read, and yet it confirmed everything else I have ever read (with the exception of the First-Sale Story by the guy they had writing today... who sold his very first novel within months of putting it out there--this from the guy who came up with "Be All You Can Be" and "Advanced Medicine for Pain"... he's a golden boy) about selling your manuscript.

You have to believe in your work more than anyone else. You have to be relentless. You have to be able to take rejection. You have to be willing to work when it looks like no results will come of it. You have to be willing to work on your own and set your own boundaries. You have to keep on in the face of despair. You have to be your own champion.

(On a side note, sounds a little like working in a church... haha...)

I say that into the mirror now. "You have to believe in yourself and your work." And I think it's working. I'm going to submit to my first publisher in December. And then it's time to start the next manuscript. After all, only one out of every four authors sell their first manuscript.

But it's still awesomesauce for me. I feel elated to have the manuscript completed and ready for submission to the Golden Heart (maybe after just one more edit...). I still feel like it's my baby. But I do think it's a baby that's ready to meet the rest of the world.

Word Game - Play Along!

I have devised a new game for all the wordsmiths who read this blog. I know there are at least three of you out there besides me. So let's play. Perhaps it is not truly a new game. But I am going to pretend that I am the creative person who came up with it. Drumroll please....

TIME TO PLAY: GTA

Guess That Acronym

OR

Gargantuan Turkish Acrobats

Here's how the game works. I will post an acronym. Some of them you may recognize. Some you may not. Regardless... we'll all make up our own versions of what the acronym could stand for, taken out of context. Or put into any context you want. I will find a completely impartial judge to decide who has won, and then I will post the winner and their acronym in a later post. I wish I had something cooler to give you than a mention in my very lightly read blog, but it will have to do for now. Up my readership, publish my book, and I may be able to afford to give out marginally cooler prizes.

Here are our first two acronyms.

TSTL

and

WTF

Regardless of their true (or urban dictionary) meanings, I want to know how funny and creative you can be in recreating your acronym. Feel free to give us a context, if you'd like. Or just comment below with what you think these acronyms might mean.

Good luck!

The Church as a Forest

It seems slightly strange for me to follow up a post about bitches, hos, and rakes with a post about the Church, but I guess that's just my life. Weird.

I occasionally give my pastor a hard time for preaching about Shakespeare more than he preaches about Jesus... but that's part of what I love about his sermons. He opens up Shakespeare in the most amazing ways to illustrate the Truth that is there. Today, he made an exceptional point.

If you've ever read As You Like It, you know that the two main characters are exiled (for different reasons) into the same forest. Arden Forest. The unique thing about the forest in this play is that it is home to a welcoming, transformational community. It is a place where exiled people, outlaws, and people with nothing to hope for all congregate together. It also happens to be a place where they go, but do not intend to stay. The good and bad characters alike are transformed in the forest, both by "sermons in stones" and encounters with transformational community.

The main point that he made today was how the church should be like Arden Forest. He did not go as far as I will go, but I wanted to push the metaphor a little. He made the point that the church should be a place where the outcasts and the safe alike can go for transformation. I would like to add to that, and say that the church should also be a place where people go, but do not intend to stay. Not that we shouldn't commit to our church body (otherwise, I would go against the other post I made this morning)... but that church is not a destination. It is a place where we go for community and transformation, but we do not make it into our home. We must be engaged enough that we submit ourselves to transformation, but the forest is not the only place that God dwells. It is just the home of the transformation.

When the characters finish their forest experience, they take that transformed self back to their homes and live their lives. In a very real way, this should be what happens to us every week. Now, of course, I am not arguing for some sort of segmentation of our lives (that church belongs at church and home at home or any nonsense like that), but rather that we often fail to see church as a transformational place where a transforming community gathers.

Church, like Arden Forest, is a place where all are welcome and all have access to the same mode of transformation alike. And a place where all NEED transformation. Like Keller's elder brother, too many of us come to church thinking we're already fixed, and we're coming to church to sit in our fixed seats and sing our fixed music, and worship the God who has fixed us. But that is not at all the case. Every Sunday, I come to church needing as much to throw myself on the mercy of God and experience his transformation as I need air or water or food. I have not arrived. I am not fixed. I am in need of the forest experience. Always. Always, always. I will never not be in need of the forest experience.

The most beautiful thing about the forest is that they are all painfully aware of their exiled status, and their need for the transformative community. So it is not the fixed who care for the sick, but the sick who care for one another, and in that moment, transformation can happen.

My New Favorite Blog

I was blog-reading this morning and I came across what looks to be my new favorite blog. Remember how I said I've always had a bit of a complex about liking to read romance novels, being an intelligent woman? Well, this blog is the answer to all my problems.

Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

They write very insightful articles about romance audiences, and stand up for the rights of smart women to read whatever they want; they review books, good and bad alike (making us aware that all their books are provided free for the purpose of review, which I appreciated). They even have an "assholes" list where they get to rant about people that remind them of the smelliest parts of human anatomy (which is not only entertaining, but highly informative!) Plus... they find the most hilarious stuff.

If you're into romance novels (and even if you're not...), I highly recommend checking this one out.

Out of the Box, Into the Fire

I have been listening to Pandora again, mostly to give me some new grist for the mill with my writing. When I listen to the same songs over and over, it does serve to make my writing similar (probably for emotional reasons, I would imagine), but sometimes it can also make me repetitive, bordering on comatose. So I pulled out my Pandora about a week ago, and have been listening to a "Paul Schwartz" station that I made, pretty much nonstop.

What I have realized about Pandora is that if you only ever give them positive feedback and never intentionally create variety in your station, eventually, all the songs they play on the station are ones you have heard before. In fact, as I was writing this morning, I found myself singing along to a song on the station, so I checked to see what it was and it happened to not be one of the songs I owned, so it must have played itself enough times that my subconscious mind picked up the melody and memorized it.

This made me go back through the history to look at the songs I'd listened to, and every single one of them had a checkmark by it. That means that at some point, I had listened to each of these songs and taken the time to click over onto the hidden Pandora on my desktop (away from the writing) and vote that I really liked the song. I went back all the way as far as I could go (to when I first turned the station on this morning--almost three hours worth of music), and every single song had a check mark on it.

Of course, this got me to thinking. First of all, it's great that Pandora can so tailor a radio station to my likes that every single song they play is one that I like. I appreciate that about Pandora.

But it also made me think... this means that I have been so wrapped up in the same music for so long that I have forgotten to add the variety that I sought out when I abandoned my iTunes for the week and converted to Pandora again. If I wanted to listen to all songs that I like and that I know, I could go back to iTunes and play one of my 54 playlists of songs that I liked so much I decided to purchase them. The whole point of Pandora, for me, was to hear music that I wouldn't hear by listening to music I already own.

Without realizing it, I lost the flavor. Unintentionally, I got into a rut. All the while, thinking how great it was to be listening to Pandora and hearing all this new music. I probably haven't heard a real-live new song on Pandora for days now!

Is that Pandora's fault? No! It's mine. I got so busy liking everything that I forgot to challenge my musical palate. There is plenty of variety on Pandora. I just selected out of it.

Again, of course, this made me think of other things besides Pandora. It made me wonder about other things, as well, like relationships... and churches... how many times I get bored or tired or hurt and instead of looking in the mirror, I look out the window. I want to blame Pandora (or the church or my boyfriend or my parent) for my boredom or my frustration or my pain. I want to switch stations instead of adding depth to the station I'm already listening to. I think this is the fundamental flaw in our human creation--this black and white thinking. Not only is it Pandora's fault that I have to listen to the same music all the time, but in retalliation (instead of fixing what's wrong), I'm going to abandon Pandora for iTunes again? That doesn't make sense to me.

(Well, in my defense, I missed my old music anyway, so I am really abandoning Pandora for iTunes... just for the time being. But that's not the point! The point is... I learned something.) What did I learn? I learned that I share in the human tendency of black and white thinking, and of projecting. Something is either all good, or it's all bad. While this might work theologically (at times...), or when talking about God, it just does not work with humans. My relationships, my church, my radio station... commitment does not preclude variety. I just need to know how to create what I need within what I have committed to.

Granted, this is a little grandiose for my relationship with Pandora. But I just had one of those moments where the whole universe opens up and lines up, and everything makes sense for a split second. And now that it's gone back to not making sense and I have sufficiently confused myself and everyone else... I will sign off.

I need to create a new playlist in iTunes anyway, and then get back to writing. :-)

Warm Fuzzies of the Soul Variety

Even though I missed Chicken Soup for the Soul Day (which was yesterday), I'm going to do something inspired by Elise's tribute today. I appreciated that it was 13 because you all know how much I hate numbered lists that are divisible by five, but yet how much I love numbered lists that are not divisible by five. (Okay, you all know how weird I really am...) But here is my list of things that are good for my soul.

1. Hot Drinks - I don't know what it is, but generally, anything that is wrong can be effectively soothed by a hot drink of some kind. Although I have never been much for the warm milk, I love hot tea and hot chocolate and hot cider and even mulled wine. The warmth of the liquid seems to somehow bypass my internal organs and go straight to my heart. It is the ultimate comfort.

2. Quality Time - Those of you who have heard of the Love Languages will know this one. My #1 Love Language is quality time. You can tell me you love me all day, buy me all the gifts in the world, hug me and touch me, do things for me... but if you don't sit down and spend some quality time with me, the rest of it is like another language that I don't speak.

3. The Stars - And I don't mean movie stars... although Sean Bean would do as a replacement if he's open. I mean the galaxy above. In fact, some of my favorite moments (both with friends and lovers) have been looking up into the dark night sky and seeing the whole galaxy before us. I feel so small and yet so important when I look up at the night sky. It is like seeing a painting that has been made for me, and sharing that with someone else (see #2) is like chocolate for my soul (we'll get to chocolate later...).

4. Ideating - Those of you who speak Strengthsfinders (and if you might even have Ideation) will know what I mean here. There is this energy to the exchange of ideas that then creates new ideas that cannot be equalled by any other thought process in the world.

5. Writing - I may not have said this two years ago, but these last several months that I have spent taking the time every day to write... there has been nothing like it to feed my soul. When I wake up in the morning and have a new story to tell, or a new way to tell the same story I am working on, there is nothing more liberating than getting that story onto paper.

6. Good Food - I love to cook, and I love to eat, and I take exceptional pleasure in good food. I remember reading Garlic & Sapphires for the first time, and reading Ruth Reischl put to words all the thoughts that I'd had about delectable food. I found my food-writing soulmate in that book, and ever since then, I take special pleasure in eating very good food. And again, see #2 above, sharing good food with someone else... ah! Can't be beat.

7. A Good Book - The power of story to transport me... it is an unrivaled experience. Really, each of these feed me in a different way, so I think that a truly good book feeds my need to escape. But I don't just want to escape anywhere, I want to be transformed into someone else and become part of a compelling story. I would include in this segment, as well, good movies, because that is also what good movies are meant to do.

8. Animals - I love to watch animals, and I love to be with animals. Elise mentioned how soothing the rhythm of petting can be, and as I thought about that, I thought... that is one of the most relaxing moments of my day. And when I see a cat or a dog, I want to just stroke them. How odd it is that something as simple as touching an animal can be so engaging and so fulfilling. But I adore it. I have a special bond with my cats, and have always wanted a Golden Retriever (since Katie died when I was a child)... I just love pets.

9. Music - There probably isn't one singular type of music that makes me happier than any other, although I generally love to listen to classical music and soundtracks. But this morning, I put on "I Just Wanna Say" by Israel Houghton and was dancing around to it... it warmed my heart to hear the song, and to dance.

This was a great exercise. Thanks, Elise, for the reminder to count my blessings. And to take time to remember how to take care of myself.

A Day, A Week, A Month?

Generally speaking, how long does it take you to finish a book? I realize that different books take different lengths of time, and every book is a different length. But in general, how long does it take you to read a book?

Vote here.

I said "1 Day" because I usually like to read a book all at once. But there are plenty of books that take me longer than that to read (especially non-fiction). I am, however, trying to flip the percentage of books that I read. Those of you who know me know that I have been trying to read 75% fiction and only 25% nonfiction this year because for the last several years, I have been reading 75% nonfiction and only 25% fiction. Thankfully, I am well on my way to keeping that up. But still, I'm interested to know where people fall on this continuum.

If you read the comments... I really liked the post about being a "serially monogamous reader." What a great concept. As someone who has always had seven or eight books going at once, I like the idea of becoming a serially monogamous reader. I think I will move in that direction...

The Best of This Week

Here are my picks for the best blog posts I've read this week.

Ivan's thoughts on the Zombie Apocalypse
-okay, so this was two weeks ago, but I just read it this week... plus, how could I not love something with such an amazing title: "The Zombie Apocalypse Will Not Be Televised"? I mean, come on... that alone deserves a mention

Freakonomics blog on why More Money = More Syphillis
-I loved this book, and I really have enjoyed the opinions that he posts in his blog... this one was another one that I enjoyed and (like the Zombies) had to post because the title was so sweet

Will's thoughts on the Anti-Theists
-as a former Seminary student (or as a current Seminary graduate!), I appreciate the nuance of Christian history, and I have rarely seen it so well-stated as Will puts it here... definitely worth the read

Clint's thoughts on the Pro-Abortion Lobby
-I was surprised at not being angered by this article... then again, it's possible that I can be in solidarity with Clint because he's my friend, and not be as defensive because I understand where he's coming from... but it's just very well-reasoned out and I was impressed (with myself) at how much I agreed with him

Elise's tribute to Chicken Soup for Her Soul
-(which, consequently, I may steal later) is a great reminder to be always aware of what feeds our soul and how we can do it more!

Christa's Countdown to Thanksgiving
-this totally reminded me why I love Thanksgiving... the preparation and finding all those amazing recipes (and even trying them out)... I heart this time of year!

Tim's Philosophy Job Odds
-I never realized how happy I was that I gave up the academic aspirations I had until I read this blog... Tim, fortunately, is much smarter than I am, but the odds are so daunting.

Jason's Book Recommendation
-anytime I find a book I want to read, I am grateful for the recommendation... thanks, Jason! will definitely be reading this one

The End of the World as We Know It

I recently saw a commercial for a movie that made me decide that the world, as we know it, is now over. You may have seen it as well, it's called The Accidental Husband. (You thought I would say New Moon, didn't you? Well, perhaps another day.) Here is why the world can no longer go on.

Most movie buffs (especially women) know Colin Firth primarily from Pride & Prejudice, where he played the most luscious Mr. Darcy... and then again in Bridget Jones' Diary where he played the luscious Mark Darcy. Colin Firth has been the cause of my watching more than one sad or confusing movie. But he has always been the hero. The gorgeous man that you want to end up with. The funny, quirky man you want to end up with. Or some version of that.

The Accidental Husband has made Colin Firth into a cuckold. In this weird movie, Colin Firth is the guy you *don't* want Uma Thurman to end up with. He is the stuffy, annoying guy that you want her to pass up in order to be with the gorgeous, funny, quirky OTHER guy!! What?!?!?

I must say that when Colin Firth is the OTHER guy (the guy who does NOT end up with the girl)... it is the end of the world as we know it.